I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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