So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
