so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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