The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
