I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
