You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
