he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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