just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
