In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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