she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
