Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
