So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
