Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
