My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
