that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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