so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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