I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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