I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
