I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
