I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
