I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
