You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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