ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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