I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize