I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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