so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
