upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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