You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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