The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
