So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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