I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
