Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
