Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
