Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
