Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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