dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
