I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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