this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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