did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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