He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
