She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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