Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize