Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
