my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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