I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
