Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
