so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize