omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
