1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
