I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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