Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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