i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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