put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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