yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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