there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
