My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize