I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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