I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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